Rethinking my wardrobe or how come no body else is wearing Swatches and Keds?

I have the cutest little denim dress. Not "country" looking at all and it's an above the knee length with metal buttons down the front. I don't wear blue a lot because it makes me look like I need to vomit, but denim works okay.  So then I decide that since I don't seem to tan from my knees down due to some sort of freak of genetics thing that I should probably wear hose or risk scaring the shit out of someone who might think I'm a ghost in a denim dress.  In the back of my drawer I found an old pair of off-white DKNY tights from god knows what decade, but I'm gonna guess the 80s. Hell, Yeah!  "I''m rocking these things," I think to myself.  Then I put on some light blue fake snakeskin high heel shoes, some awesome silver and blue stone accessories and off I go.  Fucking elastic in my tights holds up long enough for me to walk in the door and then they fall so I'm crotching at mid thigh. I can't wear the shoes without the hose or I'll blister up.  The shoes dont' work without some kind of legwear anyway.  Screwed.  This isn't the coolest blast to the past 80s outfit ever, this is the "what the fuck did you think you were a teenager again for?" outfit! Jeez, I'll never learn, because I'm sure there is a madonna vest in my future tomorrow...